"TALK TO ME" - Sexuality Education for Parents

Communication

Goal
This workshop will enable parents to better communicate with their children/teens on the subject of sexuality.

Summary
By participating in the workshop's suggested activities the parents will become more adept at understanding the dynamics of communicating with adolescents. They will also learn more about the necessary principles to respect which will help ease dialogue on sexuality. The parents will become more aware of their own limitations and strengths as well as the non-verbal messages they convey in matters related to sexuality. Lastly, parents will be invited to practice their newly found knowledge by completing an at-home assignment with their teen(s).

Themes
Effective communication, non-verbal language, review of positive attitudes.

Suggested activities
Exercises, discussions, questionnaire, role-playing, exposés.

General objective #1:
The workshop will help parents develop their ability to discuss sexuality with their children/teens.

Specific objectives:
By the end of the workshop the parents should be able to:
1.1 List the main characteristics of adolescent communication;
1.2 Name the principles to respect when discussing sexuality with your child;
1.3 Recognize the principles of communication that they use as well as those that they do not (their strengths and weaknesses).

General objective #2:
The workshop will help parents become aware of their listening skills, their non-verbal language as well as their reactions to the questions of adolescents.

Specific objectives:
By the end of the workshop the parents should be able to:
2.1 Recognise their ability to listen;
2.2 Assess the impact of non-verbal messages;
2.3 Explain their reactions to questions.

Procedure

1. "Icebreaker"
The facilitator introduces him/herself and gives a quick overview of the subject matter and the workshop's objectives. In order to help ease the atmosphere the facilitator asks the participants to introduce themselves as well as name something they would bring to a picnic. This object has to rhyme with their name.

Length: 5 minutes
Purpose: Introduction and breaking the ice
Facilitator's role:

• Showing interest in and enthusiasm for the subject
• Encouraging the parents to express themselves
• Participating in the exercise
• Remembering the participants' names to ease further exchanges

Required material:

• None

2. Discussion on communication

In order to rapidly assess the participants' needs and expectations the facilitator leads them into a discussion by asking the following questions:

• Have you ever had trouble communicating with your adolescent?
• Does your adolescent also appear to have trouble in this area?
• Is sexuality more difficult to discuss with your adolescent than other subject matters?
• Do your adolescents communicate easily?
• Etc.

Length: 10 minutes
Corresponding objective: 1.1
Facilitator's role:

• Inviting the parents to express themselves
• Encouraging exchanges
• Creating an atmosphere of trust

Required material:

• None

3. Brainstorming
The facilitator asks the participants to name typically adolescent characteristics when it comes to communication. He/she writes the answers on the board and completes the information with the help of annex #1. The facilitator asks the parents to identify difficulties that are more specific to adolescents, such as trouble verbalizing their emotions and difficulties expressing their requests clearly. The facilitator concludes the activity by citing sample phrases parents use to either open up or shut down communication with their children.

Length: 10 minutes
Corresponding objective: 1.1
Facilitator's role:

• Presenting the facts in a clear and precise way
• Giving specific examples for every characteristic
• Encouraging the parents to participate in the discussion

Required material:

• Board
• Markers/chalk
• Annex #1

4. Let's talk about sex ⁽¹⁾
The facilitator hands out a list of guidelines to follow when speaking to one's adolescent about sex ⁽²⁾. He/she reads the list out loud and asks the parents to comment or react to these guidelines as he/she goes along. The parents may share some of their own experiences or anecdotes with the group should they wish to do so. They may also complete the list by adding some of their own suggestions.

The facilitator follows up with a discussion on the parents' strengths and difficulties by asking the following questions:

• Which of these elements do you tend to apply systematically?
• Which of these elements would you most like to correct?
• Do you believe that these guidelines are generally easy to follow?
• According to you, which would be the reasons for these difficulties?
• What do you think of this list?

Length: 25 minutes
Corresponding objectives: 1.2 - 1.3
Facilitator's role:

• Soliciting the parents' participation
• Encouraging exchanges
• Creating an atmosphere of trust
• Distributing the lists of guidelines, downloaded from the Internet, on how to speak to adolescents about sex

Required material:

• List of web site references

___________________________________________

BREAK: 10 minutes
___________________________________________

5. Questionnaire
The facilitator suggests that the parents put the material learned so far to the test by participating in a game-style questionnaire. The participants are to split into groups of two and are handed copies of situations found in annex #2. The parties of every group are asked to discuss the scenario until they arrive at an answer they both agree on. Once the exercise is completed the facilitator asks a representative of each group to present the questions and the answers they have arrived at, while the other participants are encouraged to react to these choices.

Length: 15 minutes
Corresponding objectives: 1.2 - 1.3
Facilitator's role:

• Encouraging the parents to participate
• Clearly explaining the rules of the game
• Distributing the situations from annex #2
• Encouraging the participants to express themselves

Required material:

• Annex #2

6. Interpretation of non-verbal language (role-playing) ⁽³⁾
The facilitator asks the participants to pair up once again and gives each group a cardboard with a scenario from annex #3. Each team is asked to act out the assigned situation - with one participant playing the parent, the other playing the child - while trying to convey the suggested underlying message. The remaining participants are to guess what these messages are by paying attention to the non-verbal language of the "actors".

After the role-play the facilitator emphasises the importance of listening and paying attention to their own non-verbal language as well as their teens'. The parents' non-verbal reactions can send many messages to their children which could get in the way of an open and honest dialogue. The parent who, for instance, tells his son that he/she is available but continues tending to his/her tasks is sending different messages: discomfort, unease, lack of availability and interest, etc. These conflicting messages may also lead to:

• the adolescent shutting down;
• a type of aggression;
• embarrassment;
• misunderstandings;
• uncertainty (possible confusion on the adolescent's part);
• more.

The facilitator concludes the exercise by reiterating the importance of maintaining a consistent balance between one's thoughts and non-verbal messages.

Length: 15 minutes
Corresponding objectives: 2.1 - 2.2
Facilitator's role:

• Clearly explaining the instructions
• Encouraging the parents to participate
• Distributing annex #3

Required material:

• Annex # 3

7. Expert parents!
The facilitator suggests that the participants review the content of this workshop by playing the role of expert parents. He/she reads different situations out loud (annex #4) and asks the "experts" to counsel and respond to the parents searching for answers. The facilitator may use the questions provided with every situation in order to encourage exchanges.

Length: 15 minutes
Corresponding objectives: 2.1 - 2.2 - 2.3
Facilitator's role:

• Ensuring the group's participation in the discussion
• Summarizing the main points of the workshop
• Encouraging the parents to add constructive comments about the individual cases
• Inviting the parents to give examples stemming from their own experience

Required material:

• Annex #4

8. Assignment
The facilitator hands out a copy of the questionnaire from activity #5 (annex #2) to all participants and asks them to have their teenagers fill it out as if they were the parents themselves. The parents and adolescents could then discuss the various situations and compare their answers. The adolescents' answers will give the parents some insight into their teenagers' perception of them. The exchange will also allow parents a better understanding of what their children's needs and expects from them, all within a relaxed and fun atmosphere.

Length: 5 minutes
Purpose: Conclusion
Facilitator's role:

• Explaining the guidelines with clarity and precision
• Encouraging the parents to complete the assignment

Required material:

• Annex #2

Oral evaluation
The facilitator wraps up with some of the following questions:

• How did you feel throughout this workshop?
• What was your specific interest in this workshop?
• What have you learned?
• How will this new knowledge help you? Please tell me about it?

Length: 5 minutes
Facilitator's role:

• Encouraging the parents to respond
• Noting comments to improve future workshops

Required material:

• None

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Written evaluation
The facilitator distributes the written evaluation to the participants (annex #5).

Length: 5 minutes
Facilitator's role:

• Encouraging the participants to fill out the evaluation
• Distributing annex #5

Required material:

• Annex #5

Annex #1

Communication difficulties of adolescents ⁽⁴⁾

Adolescents may:

• have trouble verbalising their emotions
• need more time to express themselves
• become impatient in discussions
• shut down easily
• express their ideas, questions, needs and concerns with less accuracy
• show considerable disinterest in the subject (i.e. sexuality)
• attempt to avoid or change the subject altogether
• use inappropriate humour
• deny their learning needs when questioned by their parents
• pretend to know it all

Parents' attitudes affecting communication
Parents may feel self-conscious, judgmental (angry, shouting, nagging, preaching, disrespectful, criticizing) or uncertain about certain issues and/or their own knowledge. They may also be dealing with past painful experiences, difficulties with their own sexuality or concerns over balancing the facts and their own values.

Door openers:

• What do you think?
• Do you know what that means?
• This is not the best time to discuss it but let's talk about it at a more appropriate time.
• That's a good question
• I don't know the answer but let me find out.
• How does that make you feel?
• What do you mean
• Etc.

Door shutters:

• You are much too young!
• If you say that one more time I will .!
• I don't care what your friends can do .
• We will talk about it when you really need to know
• Why are you asking me this question?
• Etc.

Annex #2

Questionnaire ⁽⁵⁾

Please choose the answers which best reflect your views/reactions to the following situations:

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1. Your teenage daughter has just informed you of her intention to have sex with her boyfriend for the first time and asks for your opinion.

A) You ask her not to bother you while you prepare supper.
B) You put everything aside and give her your undivided attention by asking her about her motivations, her feelings, etc.
C) You tell her dryly that you cannot make that decision for her.
D) You try to answer her questions.
E) You tell her that having sex is out of the question because she is much too young.

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2. Your daughter asks you for advice on methods of contraception.

F) You listen attentively and try to detect her true concerns.
G) You hastily respond that the pill is the best method without providing any additional details.
H) You preach.
I) You respond while continuing to watch your TV program.
J) You offer to discuss the various methods with her.

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3. Speaking to adolescents about sexuality is generally:

K) Useless because the messages sent by today's videos, adult movies, television, advertising and peer groups contradict the values you are trying to instil.
L) Vital because access to this information will allow them to develop in a healthy and safe way.
M) Not very efficient - it may be worth it, but I'm not pinning my hopes on these discussions.
N) Difficult because I never know what to say.
O) Pointless because adolescents don't need to know these things.

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4. Your daughter advises you that her boyfriend has just broken up with her and that she is handling it very well.

P) You are relieved that you do not need to intervene.
Q) You tell her that he was not right for her anyway.
R) You help her express her feelings by asking questions such as "How do you feel?", "What emotions are you experiencing?", "You are not okay, are you?", etc.
S) You tell her jokingly that she will have forgotten about this on her wedding day.
T) You make yourself available to listen and speak to her.

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5. Your daughter cannot stop crying because she considers herself overweight.

U) You tell her to take matters into her hands and to follow a diet.
V) You tell her that she is beautiful and that you love her just the way she is.
W) You offer to support her in her choices.
X) You tell her that physical appearance is irrelevant and change subjects.
Y) You try to find examples of well-known women with the same physique as your daughter.

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6. If you had one piece of advice for your adolescent concerning sex, what would it be?

Z) Not before marriage
AA) Wait as long as you can.
BB) Avoid all situations that may lead you to temptation.
CC) Sexuality is experienced in evolving stages as one becomes more and more mature.
DD) Wait until you are ready and you truly want it.

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7. How would you discuss the issue of consent with your adolescent?

EE) This concept is not important to me.
FF) You would try to discuss it within the context of everyday situations and make your adolescent see the difference between consent and pressure.
GG) The concept is not important because all adolescents wish to have sexual experiences.
HH) I would be incapable of explaining the concept of consent to my teenager.
II) I would say that it is more important for a girl to consent than for a boy.

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8. Your son asks you about sexually transmitted infections.

JJ) You take this opportunity to discuss the risks inherent to sexuality with your son.
KK) You give him a detailed account of your own related traumatic experiences.
LL) You tell him what you know about STIs and speak to him about the positive aspects of sexuality such as pleasure, emotions, etc.
MM) You do not feel up to the task and so you avoid the subject.
NN) You give him references you believe may be of use to him.

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9. At what age is it appropriate to speak to your child(ren) about sexuality?

OO) As early as possible, so that they may avoid all the possible risks and accidents.
PP) As late as possible, so that they may not be driven towards it (desire for sex) or away from it (fear of sex).
QQ) When they begin to ask questions and otherwise seem ready.
RR) There is no perfect age.
SS) You do not believe this is your duty.

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10. Your adolescent does not ask any questions related to sexuality.

TT) You are relieved and assume that he/she already knows everything.
UU) You believe that this silence means that he/she is not sexually active.
VV) You try to broach the subject by using pamphlets, television programs, etc.
WW) You try to speak to him/her anyway in an attempt to pinpoint his/her needs and concerns by being more attentive.
XX) You believe that he/she is not interested in the subject.

Annex #3

Exercise on non-verbal communication

Rules: The parents are to act out the following scenarios by taking the underlying messages into account, while the spectators try to guess what messages the "actors" are trying to convey by observing their non-verbal reactions.

1. The parent explains to his/her adolescent that he/she should begin protecting him/herself from STIs and unplanned pregnancies.
Underlying message: I disapprove of the idea of you being sexually active
Parent's reaction: Dry and reproachful tone of voice, quick explanation, many suggestions, preaching attitude, etc.

2. The parent gives his/her adolescent condoms.
Underlying message: I accept the idea of you being sexually active and I consider it my duty to speak to you about responsibility
Parent's reaction: Calm and reassuring tone of voice, availability, etc.

3. I would like you to tell me about your relationship and your thoughts on sex.
Underlying message: I'm not ready to hear it all but I'm so worried
Parent's reaction: Nervousness, aggressiveness, etc.

4. The parent explains that there are also positive aspects to sexuality.
Underlying message: I don't believe that an adolescent can feel sexual pleasure
Parent's reaction: Quick explanation, impatient and mocking tone of voice

5. The parent offers to accompany his/her daughter to the clinic so that she may obtain a prescription for contraceptives.
Underlying message: I don't feel like doing this because I disagree with your having sex
Parent's reaction: Dry tone of voice, silence during the trip, strained facial expression, etc.

6. The parent listens as the adolescent shyly shares that he/she has had sex for the first time. The adolescent is not searching for approval and needs the parent to remain discreet. The parent feels uncomfortable.
Underlying message: It makes me sad to realize that you are no longer a child
Parent's reaction: The parent stops smiling and talking, looks up at the ceiling and down at the floor with tears in the eyes.

7. The parents are watching television with their teen when he/she suddenly asks what masturbation is.
Underlying message: My child is much too young to hear about masturbation
Parent's reaction: Smirking, repressed laughter, a quick subtle glance toward the spouse

8. The parent explains sexual pleasure.
Underlying message: Sexuality includes positive aspects and is an integral part of life
Parent's reaction: Calm and relaxed tone of voice

9. The parent tells the adolescent how much he/she appreciates that the adolescent confides in him/her in matters related to sexuality.
Underlying message: I consider it natural and flattering that my adolescent would trust me
Parent's reaction: The parent takes the time to listen, stops what he/she may be doing at that moment and remains attentive

10. The parent lets his/her adolescent know that he/she is available to answer any questions on sexuality.
Underlying message: It is my role to inform my teenager about questions on sexuality
Parent's reaction: Reassuring, calm and open tone of voice

Annex #4

Expert parents

Situation 1:
Concern: "My teenage kids turn a deaf ear whenever I offer advice. I just want to help them because I've experienced more than they have. I want to spare them from having to make the same mistakes I've made. Why won't they listen to me?

An experienced mother."

• What do you think of this statement?
• What would you say to this mother?
• What should she do or think to ease communication with her adolescents?

Suggested Response:
Dear Parent: Here's a Golden Rule: If somebody wants your advice, he or she will ask for it. It's natural for you to want to spare your kids from making painful mistakes. But your children can't grow without their own growing pains. They will learn from your example, and your example in itself is much better because of what you have learned from your experience. Also, if you don't offer a lot of advice, your kids may actually ask you for some now and then!

Situation 2:
Concern: "I wish I had talked with my kids about sexuality years ago. Now whenever I mention it they just roll their eyes and say, 'We know it already!'. Should I keep trying to talk to them or have I waited too long?

A responsible father."

• What can you tell this father?
• Is it too late?
• Should he believe his adolescents when they claim to know everything?

Suggested Response:
Dear Parent: It would have been easier if you had talked with them sooner, but it is never too late to begin. Teens are often easily embarrassed so you may want to start by discussing other people, situations in books, on TV, etc. This is better than suddenly coming up with personal questions about their own feelings and lives. Your may also want to break the ice by buying them a book, such as Changing Bodies, Changing Lives - not to replace family talks, but to supplement them.

Situation 3:
Concern: "My daughter wears heavy eye make-up and a lot of cheap jewellery. Her blue jeans are so tight she has to lie down to put them on. I think she looks like a tramp and, frankly, I don't want to be seen with her. Why can't she buy some decent clothing and show some respect?

An embarrassed mother."

• What would you tell this mother?
• How would you react if you were to face a similar situation with your adolescent?

Suggested Response:
Dear Parent: Remember your own teenage years? What did your parents think of how you dressed? Teenage dress is generally considered too sexual and too outrageous by parents' standards. So relax! Relate to your daughter and not to her clothes. The only exception would be if your daughter's style was different from that of most other kids her age. If her clothing was much more suggestive, this would be a signal that she needed your help.

Situation 4:
Concern: "Our ten-year old son has asked us what masturbation is. We told him we would explain it to him later, at a more appropriate time.

A disconcerted father."

• Is this reaction appropriate?
• What would you do if you were in his shoes?
• Is it okay to answer this question only later?

Suggested response:
Dear Parent: For now everything is all right: It is better to wait for the right moment to broach the subject rather than to transmit your own discomfort and erroneous information. When it becomes relevant you may explain that masturbation is a normal act meant to provide sexual pleasure for oneself. This would also be a good time to let your son know that you are available to answer questions on sexuality.

Situation 5:
Concern: "I was doing a laundry the other day and I found a package of condoms in the pocket of my son's jeans. What should I do?

A confused father."

• What would you do in this parent's place?
• How would you react?

Suggested Response:
Dear Parent: You will probably want to say something to your son about intercourse. This will be a lot easier if you've discussed this type of thing before. Tell him that you are interested in who he is seeing and in how he feels about the relationship. Tell him, also, that a back pocket is not the best place to store condoms. The friction can cause the rubber to deteriorate.

Situation 6:
Concern: "My ten-year old daughter asked me, 'What's 69?' Apparently she had heard other children joking about it on the playground. I'm afraid I just blushed and said I'd tell her later. What do I say to her?

Uncomfortable parents."

• How would you have reacted in the same situation?
• How would you respond?

Suggested Response:
Dear Parent: So far, so good. You told her you'd get back to her and you're following through. If the subject still makes you uncomfortable, say so. This way you won't be giving her mixed messages. Say something like: '69 is a slang term for when two people have oral sex with each other at the same time.' Ask her if she has any questions.

Annex #5

Please complete the following questions:

1. What is one thing you learned about _______________that you did not know before?

2. What questions or concerns do you still have about _______________?

3. Will you do anything differently as a result of learning about ____________?

Yes _____ No _____

Please tell me about it:

 

 

4. I'd like to tell the facilitator:

Web site References

http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/std-mts/publications_e.html#education
" Let's Talk About Sex.But How?" Tips on broaching the subject with teenagers.

http://www.familiesaretalking.org/approaches/aprch0000.html
Communication tips for parents; includes tips according to age group.

http://www.siecus.org/parent/pare0000.html
Designed to help parents communicate their values about sexuality to their children, and to provide accurate, honest and developmentally appropriate sexuality information; bibliography for parents.

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/educational-resources/for-parents/how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-sex.htm
Planned Parenthood's web site; a parent's guide on how to talk to children about sexuality.

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/educational-resources/for-parents/how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-sex.htm
Let's talk is a brochure offering tips on how to talk to your teens about sexuality and a list of resources for parents.

http://www.canwetalk.org/
Community program designed to help parents talk with their children about healthy relationships and sexuality, including the prevention of pregnancy, HIV/STIs, drug abuse and violence.

http://quiz.ivillage.com/parentsoup/tests/teensex.htm
Quiz on "Talking to Kids about Sex -- Did You Do It Right?"

http://www.parentsoup.com/experts/preteens/articles/0,,448559_218356,00.html 10 bases to cover when you talk to your young adolescent about sex.

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¹ The facilitator may encourage the parents to participate in a complementary workshop on attitudes toward sexuality.

² The facilitator may consult the list of web site references for sites explaining how to speak to adolescents about sex.

3 Variation: It is possible to have a discussion replace the role-playing: the facilitator asks the participants to comment on the non-verbal messages once the various situations found in annex #3 have been presented.

⁴ Réference: parents who have participated in the « Talk to Me!» pilot project.

⁵ Inspired from the following web sites:
http://www.doctissimo.com/html/sexualite/education/se_297_sex_enf.htm
http://www.familiesaretalking.org/parents.html
http://www.unites.uqam.ca/dsexo/index.htm