Because Life Goes On...Helping Children and Youth Live With Separation and Divorce - Section 3

Parenting Is Forever: Developing a Cooperative Parenting Relationship

YOUR CHILDREN NEED both parents in their lives. But when your divorce is bitter, your continuing contact with the other parent can be very painful. That's one reason why parents need to rely on friends and other support networks to work through difficult feelings. Remember, too, that the passage of time can be a great healer.

Yet, however difficult it may be, working together as parents while you are separating as a couple is very, very important. When children are involved, your divorce ends the marriage, not the family. Your relationship as parents continues.

The key task for parents as your spousal relationship ends is to work toward building a cooperative parenting arrangement that:

• protects your children from adult conflict
• enables your children to have positive relationships with both parents
• provides your children with nurturing, security and stability.

"My parents never liked to talk directly with each other. My mother would tell me things to go tell my Dad, like for instance my Mom would say 'Samara, tell your Dad you need a new winter coat' and my Dad would say, 'Samara, tell your Mom that money's tight and maybe next week we can work something out'..."

Protecting Children from Parental Conflict

Most children are resilient and highly adaptive. With care and nurturing, they will adapt to separation and new family arrangements. However, when children witness a lot of ongoing parental conflict such as their parents shouting or threatening each other, their emotional development can be damaged.

Keeping adult conflicts away from children is one of the most important things you can do. In particular, using children as a way to punish the other parent is especially destructive for children of all ages. Parents who use children as a way to hurt the other parent use all sorts of damaging behaviours, such as blocking the other parent's access to the children, telling children about the other parent's shortcomings, or lying about the other parent's actions or intentions. Without exception, these tactics damage a child's health and well-being much more than the other parent.

Allowing Children to Have a Relationship with Both Parents

Children tend to do best after separation and divorce when both parents remain involved in their lives. Mothers and fathers are important to children for emotional support, protection, guidance, gender identity and their basic trust and confidence in themselves and in the world. Each parent plays a valuable role in child rearing. The task for children after the separation is to develop a separate relationship with each parent, and to spend time with each of them.

It is not uncommon for a mother or father to have such strong negative feelings about the other parent that she or he feels it is in the best interests of the children to prevent the other person from seeing them. Although this may seem like a natural protective response, it will likely harm your children's emotional growth and development. Of course, sometimes continuing the parent-child relationship is not advisable, or another type of relationship may be necessary (for example, when there is child abuse, spousal abuse or severe psychiatric illness). In those cases, a professional can help you make arrangements that are in the best interests of your children.

Building a Cooperative Parenting Relationship: Providing Your Children with Nurturing, Security and Stability

Working together as parents means sharing responsibility for your children's care and developing a way of making decisions that affect their health, education and welfare.

If you can't establish a civil relationship with the other parent, try to think of your relationship as having two parts. There is the marital part of the relationship which caused - and may still be causing -anger, grief and anguish. The other part is the parental relationship which will continue. It's in everyone's best interest to make it workable, but it's especially important for your children.

For a number of parents, it may be too difficult to talk directly with the other parent. This very understandable situation can be addressed by developing an "indirect parenting relationship." With this arrangement, parents communicate through letters, emails or another adult instead of talking with each other on the phone or in person. In addition, children can travel between homes with the assistance of another adult, or by being picked up by a parent at the child care centre or school.

The more you are able to achieve some kind of workable relationship, the better it will be for your children. Try to:

• respect each other's differences
• focus on the children, not on what the other parent may have done in the marriage or continues to do
• settle disagreements through give-and-take and compromise
• avoid making assumptions about the other parent's intentions or actions
• keep your agreements and promises (such as making child support payments on time, picking up and returning children on time).

The most important thing to keep in mind is that you are cooperating for your children's sake. Continue to keep conflict away from your children's ears and eyes. Over time, your relationship with the other parent may become easier and you may even develop a new understanding of each other.

How parents go about developing a parenting arrangement (or called "parenting plan") depends very much on their unique circumstances. In some families, the level of conflict is higher than in others. In these families, it may be difficult or even dangerous for parents to communicate directly. In other families, where the level of conflict is lower, it is possible for parents to sit down together and work out issues on their own. In most situations, regardless of the level of strife, conflict levels change over time.

One of the key ways to develop and maintain a good coparenting relationship is to make a written parenting plan. Agreed upon by both parents, a plan has a number of advantages and can help ensure that the children are well cared for by both parents. A written agreement that outlines specific arrangements and understanding of responsibilities helps reduce assumptions and misunderstandings. Also, a lot of planning and organization goes into moving children from one household to another. For example, your child may want to take his fish with him, or needs a clean uniform for a game the next day. Managing these kinds of details requires planning. If you're organized, it can reduce the chances of arguing with the other parent over little things. (The box on the following pages describes the role of family mediators, which includes helping parents develop a parenting plan).

Whatever situation you find yourself in, there are several options for resolving disputes. Refer to the "Resources" section to locate counsellors, family mediators, and family lawyers who can help you choose the best course of action based on your particular situation.

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